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2003.02.01

ten thirty pm saturday

. . . . . . .

+puLL+

. . . . . . .

haven't seen brently in three weeks or something. 'cept a passing in a car. later that night he left without saying goodbye. or even hello. i don't understand. that.

that was wednesday. and thursday too i suppose.

i wish brent(on) had "free" minutes. we hardly talk.

last night i tried to go to a show at the red rose. i went in knowing i hate shows, and also knowing that the only people i would know would be my ex boyfriend and his roommates. after about half an hour of splicy conversations with his roommates, i stood in the back, by the bathrooms, where i always stand, and tried to enjoy the band playing. my original intent was to go there and find jason and hang out with him, . but he wasn't there, so i ,,, tried to enjoy that sucky band. after about half a song, i got sooooo bleedin depressed. went in the back room and asked a long-haired wafflehouse fellow if he'd seen jason, .. he said no.... gave me this i hate you look (completely in my own head, of course), and i went back to my nook by the bathrooms. into the next song, jason quickly walked past.,........, i don't know why, maybe it was the hanging out with the roommates of my jerk ex-boyfriend or the look from that kid,, i don't know why ,, i just let him walk by. and a few minutes later, he walked by, and out.

by the end of that song (the second)_ i left.

this sort of senario used to happen every day,, but it hasn't for awhile (until last night, i hadn't felt that self-loathing depression for a good eight months,, not more than two minutes worth) .

i drove around that stupid but cozy college town for an hour or so, trying to figure out exactly what it was that was making me feel so damn gross. , and i figured it was just from being around all those people i didn't care anything about. ...didn't know.... feeling isolated in such a place. why did i stay anyway, once i saw jason wasn't there? . ..

alright. enough of that.

.

wednesday,,

was a very nice day.

why was it nice? what was the best, of it..,, a friend finally comfortable enough to hold your hand for a full minute,, .,,, and a friend comfortable enough to scold you for pulling his arm

.

love.

.

+o & fro

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