it snowed again on wednesday. and it's still there now. it's been a good six years since such a thing. and i suppose that's what's on the news. although i don't know. and honestly, i don't care.

for almost one year we've been living out here.

so calm.

who could have known that this calm was here for years, ,.time., ? we had no idea.

i haven't been in school for . i have to think about it . . i'm nineteen, and ,

two and a half years. i used to be a fair writer. and wonderful at grammar. was always the best. now i honestly, . well. you know. and i don't . and i'm so very happy with that.

we went down to see grandpa last week. he's shrunk eight inches from the top (to the bottom) in a handful of months. two of his brothers died in these same months. he became one of only two remaining from the nine children. children.

breath,.

there is an elderly lady at work named myrtle. myrtle, i found out today, has a niece around fifty years old, around seventy-five pounds, in a hospice in nashville. she says every time the telephone rings, her heart jumps with fear it is news of her niece. and there is only one message myrtle is expecting. she says she remembers "the day that girl was born, holding that little baby in her arms". after myrtle left today, after telling me about dreading the phone-call, a mother walked in, gently set her baby down in the buggy-seat, and . it was so sad to see the way that woman looked at that child. god. there is so much love in this world

last night i hung out with jason for the first time in , well, a good , another, good year. i found him building a plywood wall with fake climbing rocks on it. with two jokers named derik and santana (!) . it was so nice to be around him again. i'm sure he is one of the top dozen most beautiful people i'll ever encounter. he is a pirate. and a cowboy. and how can one be both., i love being at joe's house. watching them watch television, play video games, guitar licks,. and it is so nice to every once in a while hang out with a couple of smokerjokers and a good pirate-cowboy friend with . man. so sincere. i wish that boy could see himself, ..i wish all the love on this green earth for him. and any other available, if he'll take.

i can't find brent anywhere.

i have this nagging feeling that god doesn't want me to think about him. or is it whispering, a whispering feeling? yeh,. god doesn't nag.

there are so many people who have no, no no no noNO idea what they are missing. they think they are looking at god and say, i'm not missing a thing,. but they areN'T looking at god. they usually all have a different idea of what god is, and they look at that and say, "i'm not missing a thing. that is stupid. i'm no fool, no siree i'm gonna live to be a hundred and three, and i don't need THAT" . when

oh. it's so sad. that they don't want to see anything that they didn't put there themselves.

when there is something else there

besides what they've put

there is

something

besides

this

.

and that is the only comfort in this life. the only comfort i have found.

the only comfort i have found in life

is in the death from it.

quietus, silence, sleep

ok, ok

there is a person named nick who hasn't been written on. right now i don't feel like there is anything to say of him.

well

i have this problem with liking people too much for anyone's good. and being too cuddly for anyone's good. and wanting to help a person so much it hurts them. lennie small