there is a book that i am reading called _candide_ , or _optimism_ . candide is the main character, and in one bit he is traveling aboard a ship with his lover and her old-woman maidservant. after the three have sufficiently argued about who has had the most wretched misfortunes, the old woman presents her ((most miserable of all of the three companions))) story. after which she says:

''' "In short, my dear miss, I have a great deal of knowledge and experience in the world, therefore take my advice: divert yourself, and prevail upon each passenger to tell his story, and if there is one of them all that has not cursed his existence many times, and said to himself over and over again that he was the most wretched of mortals, I give you leave to throw me headfirst into the sea." '''

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before reading these chapters ((containing the old woman's story and thoughts) , i hated the book. it made my head hurt. terribly. .. voltaire's indirect criticisms of the christian view made , like i said, .. my head hurt. i'm sick of questioning the christian views for right now. i crave c s lewis. i crave assurance. terribly.

but , i don't know just why, for i don't especially liKe this old woman character,, , . but i love her point here. hah. it makes me feel less guilty of sometimes being so selfish as to think myself more miserable a wretch than all others in the world.

thinking of grandpa also soothes this guilt. thinking of this one time, this one look he gave me when we were saying goodbye, leaving his home for our own,. i cannot describe the look, but the words were, "kate, remember,, you can't love others unless you learn to love yourself." and i knew that he'd felt the same, if not infinitey more,, sadness that i've felt before in those little moments of . well. you know. selfloathing and what not.

oh god. i love my grandpa.

assurance.